Check Out The Wire

Starring Lou Bega

Film Description

After Jimmy is caught dancing to Mambo No. 5 in his bedroom, Mother is forced to beg all glittery, Papa is never forced to do anything, and Peter hangs out with the bunch. No one knows what to do until John Stamos knocks on the door to deliver a package from Schieffer Industries. It's a new pack of Lou Bega CDs!  What will happen? Will Jimmy jump into his sequined socks and travel around the state? Will Peter crap his jammies?

Reviews

"Oh rats! The Padres lost again!" -Walter Nichols

"It's changed my life and watered my cactus. King Tut was busy." -Bob Schieffer

Sunday Stroll with Gramps

Film Description

Little Davey is bored. His mom is watching another romantic comedy and his dad is building a birdhouse for a leopard. Cake's stale! Yug! But Davey's grandpa Pete is done with his bio-degradable Jell-O and takes Davey on a car ride to the graveyard where Andy Rooney is buried. Will they eat ice cream, or is there a monster under the bed? Get the paint, quick!

Reviews

"Soy sauce."- Rob Schneider

"A piece of eye candy! Supper! You get a couple of chuckle-roos here and there!" -Roger Ebert

Finding Mariño

Film Description

Deep in the Gulf of Mexico lives a family of Mexican fish. The padre, Papa, has a niño with a lovely nombre! Mariño.  Mariño loves chips. How he loves chips! Every dinner, he eats salsa and chips with a glass of Uncle Mario's leche! But one night, his leche was stolen! He can't obtain the salsa without the leche. So now, he goes on a magical journey into the dias to search for his one true love, Bob Barker.

Reviews

"Mi amigo!" -Los Lobos

"Bub!" -Chum Slimbo

Wednesday Night

Film Description

Ah, I tip my hat to the priest, for am I the true agent? Oh well, you can't lose them all, Joey. I see that a reader is reading this, and Joey warns you now to stand back! This movie makes no sense. Anyway, it's about a guy, alright, who makes a living brushing his hat and wearing his shiny new fedora. I hate Dora. But the sinister Mr. Gobo loves cat videos, and I brought some casserole! Do you prefer fat-free or Jaleel White? Stop before I choke! Ga-hoo!

Reviews

"Ahem." -Howard Stern

The Squish! (Random Shorts)

Film Description

Knock, knock! Squishy! Okay, I'm done. Josh is done. So is mom. Ugh! 

Reviews

"Squash? I love squash!" -Old Jimmers

"Meurggh"- The Elephant Choir of Iowa

"Lip." -Derf

"Furrgh!" -Ellen DeGeneres

Brush Everything

Film Description

This is a movie about brushing your teeth! Hats, muttons, mittens, clocks, Joe's pants, Mike's thermal, and no more Mitt Romney, hah! Let's move along now. Come on! Scoot! Alright, let's get scrushing! Scrush! Scrush! Phew! I need leche. Yuck! It's spotled! Help, Mathusila! April showers be coming your way! Bam!

Reviews

"Scrush here, scrush there! Science rules!" -Bill Nye

"Summer camp, oh no! I hate canoeing!" -Hank Humberfloob

Tuna What?

Film Description

Stanley Manley is a security guard for Bruce Willis, and his job sucks. Mainly because he hates fish stew. But when his rash comments on fish go too far, an army of talking tuna vow to kill Stanley! Pew pew! I gotcha now, Slim! Not gerbils! God, are you a UPS worker or a garden utinsil?

Reviews

"Ouch! My kidney!" -Mr. Foophop

"You give me stomach aches!" -Jerry Reed

"What a funny smart tone that brings a joy of pleasure to the cinema people of today!" -Horace Whatsittoya

Tommy Stone and His Pot Pie

Film Description

Tommy Stone used to work at a rodeo house in Canada, but his sad luck changed when John Stamos gave him a sequined suit that talks. Now they must make the best darn pot pie for Bill Cosby. Will they do it?

Reviews

"I have bowel problems!" -Eddie Murphy

"Oh lord...we'll need a lot more Charmin for that...OH GOD! (Throws up)" -Sonny Bono

Vrooom!

Film Description

Counter Phil has two fingers on his hand who don't know how to divide an emergency fire blanket. But I need a good scrubbing is not the answer. Not when it comes to this stomach ache! GOOH! GEE GOSTER! PHEW! No more glass shoes on a hot day in Poland cheese.

Reviews

"You did it!" -Dora the Explorer

"Works for me. I'll have the salad." -Bill

Archimedes' Pirate Adventure!

Film Description

Arrgh! Captain Feathersword is retiring for the winter. So in order to stay alive, he needs to find a new captain to take over the thrift shop. It's Archimedes, the guy who invented the world! Risoto! He now goes on a pirate adventure with a backpack, a cupholder, and the Garbage Pail Kids in order to find Splooge Island!

Reviews

"Meh! Sneppy pep!" -Louis

"Wonderful, bravo! Best film of the year!" -Adam Sandler

Old Man's Witty Curfew

Film Description

Eh? What? Speak louder! I'm deaf in one ear and the other's watching Seinfeld! Darn tootin' You there! Yeah, you whippersnapper reading! Go get me a BLT! No? Alright... Anyway, Wheel of Fortune ain't like it used to be, and now it's malarkey. MALARKEY!!! But music these days is darn-daddling! Back in my day, we had Bing Crosby! CROSBY! I gotta calm down, or my blood pressure will seriously rise! AARP! I'm a veteran, fandal! Respect your elders! Goo! Lambchop! I must be off! Pippi Longstocking to you, young python! Charlie horse is killing me! Get used to the king! 3 points! That's a cowboy on night patrol! James Yolanda! Air conditioning, window unit!

Reviews

"Wow! I'm going to see it right now!" -Frank Barone, the father on Everybody Loves Raymond

"I'm in another dimension." -Mr. Kitkatbutter.

Sit! Down!

Film Description

Sorry, I have a loaf in the oven. My name is a person standing still. But people call me maybe. And all the other boys try to change me, but here's my number, so....*cough* Sorry. I just got back from a lovely party with the Papaya King! I had a great second serving of New Orleans rice! Polish sausage! (Lick!) Ahh!......I'm cold.

Reviews

"Huh?" -Bono

Ow! My Eyebrows! Ahhhhhh!

Film Description

Tom has a fanny pack that won't tell him the answer to the toilet that hasn't been scrubbed. So instead, he gets his friend Squish and they team up to lick the popsicle monster and the defy the law of John Stamos' helicopter in Bali. Scooby Doo? Oh no! I need a good scrubbing!

Reviews

"Woah, that's an insult!" -Cleveland Brown

"Hmmm...those marbles are quite pleasing, however I think I may get The Emperor's New Groove." -King Zu II

A Very Jerry May Day

Film Description

It's May Day for Jerry Springer and this awesome holiday isn't going well for our least favorite untalented TV personality. This story is going to suck (which really doesn't help), Jerry's dinner with Paula Deen and her rabbit Fufu Snookums is cancelled, and all that PBS is showing is "A Reading Rainbow May Day"! This May Day is gonna suck, until Jerry is visited by the ghost of Georgie Porgie, puddin' and pie! Georgie takes Springer to Rodeo Drive and.....excuse me, my four year old nephew Brian P. Jeoffrey III needs me to get him some chimichongas. I apologize.

Alright, I'm back. Anyways...OH LORD! I got a neighbor who desperately needs an emergency fire blanket! I apologize sincerely!

You know what? This story isn't going anywhere. This narrator quits!

There are no reviews because this was a sucky attempt at celebrating May Day. Oh, well....

Junior's Little Tricycle and Friends

Film Description

Junior and his friend Zazzy love their new tricycle! It's got three shiny wheels and it's pretty frickin' boss! That is, until General Robert E. Lee rises from the dead and wants this pimpin' new ride! Only the terrible power of the '90s pop band Aqua can save the day...or maybe just ruin it...

Reviews

"Good lord! A penny shaped like Regis Philbin!" -Scott Baio

"This story is a crisp chip that teaches children the value of history and motor skills." -Cousin Oliver

Full House: The Movie/Musical!

Film Description

This is a story about a guy named Barry, who's British, and loves pot pie. But when terror strikes his home, he needs to build a raft made out of a Polish sausage, a straw hat, and an autograph of John Stamos. He sails for 30 days, miraculously without food or water, until he comes across the town of San Francisco. There, he must find a home, a job, and a family.

Reviews

"Jed will never catch me now!" -Your Sinus Infection

"My uvula! *gasp*" -Foug Dunnie, definitely not Doug Funnie of Nickelodeon fame

"Shut the front door, bro! Omg, lol, brb! Rotfl!" -Annoying Internet Teenager

"It's a shame Ricky's gone, but we still have each other!" -Carl Winslow's Texan cousin Clem

Sweep: The Musical!

Film Description

Jimmy Slimby Two Shoes is the bathroom custodian at Burrito Bell. Jimmy lives with his dad (a cast member on Cops), has his trusty iguana pal Slim Shady, and never forgets to check his Hotmail, like a good sport. But Jimmy wants something more thrilling, more tubular! That's it! He must walk to the fine state of Arizona! Jimmy, Slim Shady, and their wizard friend Burt walk to Arizona on a wacky adventure! Watch them eat from Roy Rogers, meet legendary sitcom actor Dave Coulier (you know, Uncle Joey, from Full House!), and appear on PBS Kids' new hit show, Zig Zag Drawing Tag! But there's a fiend out in Arizona named Buddy who wants to kill all custodians, for they are a disgrace to humanity! Will Jimmy make it? Why is his iguana named after a 2001 Eminem song? Why am I asking you obvious questions?

Reviews

"I love it!" -Mr. Broom

"I'm on a boat." -Michael Bublé

"What a crisp juicy story that brings an uplifting spirit that is mouthwatering for the eye!" -Matthew Broderick

Joe the Barber and His Magic Zippercase

Film Description

Joe Joseph was the best barber in town- in 1961. Nowadays, all of those meddling kids use the newest fad, the Haircare Swear, an electronic doohickey a brick-y bop. But Joe finds a talking zippercase (voiced by Chris Rock) who might save his business! Wacky misadventures ensue.

Reviews

"What a nifty light delight that is eye candy with a couple chuckles and a sunny-side up sequence." -Kid123

"Swim down yonder, fetch me a poke!" -Uncle Boots

"Arrrrrrggggh!"- Sly Stone

Scoot, Scoot, You Fandal!

Film Description

Hit it! Move it! Hey! I can see both of them! Potluck is my kind of dinner! Oh hi! I didn't see you there! Welcome to Uncle Sal's Barnyard Cable Trip. You're just in time for brunch with Scooter and Philly. We are having poop. Pop. Beet bop not. Not you! (cough)

(P.S. Thanks for finding this blog. This is random and dumb, but we kinda enjoy it and I hope you do too. This is basically just ridiculous ideas for fake movies that we make up when we are bored in school.)